When Co-Parenting Conflicts Leave the Courtroom

“The most painful part of the divorce is just this loss of ability to be a mom.”

Callie sits across from me, frustrated and angry. Divorced six years and mom to a 15-year-old, she is heading back to court for the third time with her ex-husband for another round of amending their parenting plan. "You surrender some of your autonomy as a parent in divorce, and no one talks about this. It was a huge fear of mine, and one of the reasons why I stayed in the marriage for longer than I should have," says Callie. "Now we have to go back to court again."

For high-achieving parents navigating a high conflict divorce, co-parenting conflict has a way of holding them back from making the parenting and personal decisions important to them. 

"If you're not divorced, you can do what you want. There’s no other authority other than your family," Callie shared. But for parents like Callie, ongoing co-parent conflict keeps them feeling trapped away from the freedom of full parenting. 

When the process of making parenting decisions after divorce becomes hard, many people turn to their lawyers and to the court for help. We want to believe that our system awards justice and will make decisions that are clear and fair. 

You have your day in court, and you emerge with your fist in the air, victorious.

Except, that rarely happens, according to Missoula family lawyer Diana Garrett. 

The wait for a court decision on parenting conflicts can take years, multiple parenting evaluations, and a host of professionals that the divorcing couple must pay for. 

"Even after you get the order handed down from the bench, it's like they've been in this knockdown, dragout fight. They hate each other so much after that kind of conflict that even the winner doesn't walk out feeling good. And there's really no win." To call this process exhausting would be an understatement. 

As a therapist who has spent the past decade specializing in advising parents who are tired of using the adversarial system of the courts to make parenting decisions, I am passionate about fitting what we know from research and theory into the messy practice of real life. 

Together, we uncover patterns and find different ways of engaging, building a future for them and for their children that isn’t marked by conflicts and courts.

Another client, Rachel, let me know last week why pulling away from court-mandated decision-making and instead working on her communication with her co-parent was so important to her.

"I keep coming back to my intuition as a parent, and it's like this: The ongoing court battles are harmful to my child, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that I'm advocating for what I know and I feel is in his best interest." While it is initially a difficult step to take, when parents do decide to move the conflict outside of the courts, many are surprised by how much freedom accompanies the process. 

In my practice I've assisted many parents in successfully changing their co-parenting communication, and I often wish parents started this process as a first step, instead of reaching out after years of prolonged conflict and pain.

3 Steps to Effectively Co-Parent Outside of the Courts:

1. Take Back Control: Commit to finding ways to make decisions and resolve disagreements on your own, without having to hire lawyers and wait on the courts. Take back your ability to parent by taking it out of the hands of third parties.

2. Start Early: You don't have to wait for anyone to finalize your divorce before you start setting up new patterns. You can work on your co-parenting communication and conflict management early, as soon as you’ve even decided to separate. Use this turning point to pivot to a new way of engaging as co-parents - it doesn't have to be through adversarial conflict.

3. Invest in Expertise: Setting new patterns can be hard. Having a brief set of sessions with a co-parenting communication therapist can save you time, money, and outside interference in the long run. No one wants to keep paying court fees and legal bills throughout their parenting journey, and you can get the help you need to take decision-making power back in your own hands.

   
   

You can get to the other side of co-parenting conflict and develop ways to manage conflicts outside of the courts. If you’d like help tailored to your unique situation, book a consult here.