Co-parenting Communication for High Conflict: The S Model

In working with divorcing or divorced co-parents who are struggling with their communication, I introduce them to a model I've created called "The S Model." It's meant to simplify co-parent communication into three separate qualities that should make up your message.

First, you're going for SHORT. Whether this is a text, email, or message on a co-parenting app you want to keep it succinct. Your gut may tell you that more words are going to help your co-parent really understand you and be more persuaded by you. In almost all cases, your gut is wrong on this one. More words make scanning/ignoring more likely, give more space for misunderstanding, and could be used against you in later interactions or court proceedings. The fewer words you can use, the better.

Second, you need to stay SPECIFIC. Only one question, request, or piece of information per message. People have a tendency towards "kitchen-sinking," or throwing into a message related topics or instances that don't have to do with one current, specific piece of information. Sure, there is going to be context to what you're saying, and perhaps your co-parent did forget the time for a residential transition three times this month and was perpetually late picking up the kids from school throughout your marriage. It will not help you to bring in that history now when you need to let them know about a new time for pick up because of next week's field trip. Focus on that pick-up time only, and remember the first rule we covered to share that information in as few words as possible.

Finally, the tone of your message should be SOLID. By this, I mean that your message should read as professional and even-toned, whether you're having a good day or a hard one. A solid message doesn't need a reply to feel finished. It closes the loop instead of inviting more back-and-forth and reads as factual, unemotional, and polite. Of course, your internal feelings are valid no matter what they are. They just don't show up in this message. This is a message that anyone could read and they would see you as a respectful, competent parent pairing with a co-parent to get their child's needs met.

Here's an example:

•      Before: "Really? You're changing pickup AGAIN? This is exactly why nothing ever works with you. You just can't seem to manage to put our child first. It's like when you said you couldn't go to his game last month because you got concert tickets instead. I'm fed up with having to keep up with your shit. You always do this. I have a life too, you know. If I pick him up at 5:30 I have to change all of the dinner plans I had."

•      Using the S Model: "Got it. I can do 5:30 pickup instead of 5:00 on Thursday. Let me know if that changes again at least 24 hours in advance so I can plan around it."

Remember: children exposed to high conflict are more likely to have negative outcomes psychologically, socially, physically. Crafting your messages with a co-parent to reduce conflict doesn't mean you aren't standing up for yourself or that you are condoning the things they are doing that you aren't calling out. It means you're paving the way for a low-conflict environment for your child, and preserving your reputation as a reasonable and responsible co-parent.

This kind of communication isn't easy, but it can become habitual. You may need support to make this shift, and I or another therapist who specializes in this area can help you with the challenges that present in your unique situation. You deserve this support for your own sake, and for the positive impact it can make on your child.